Guess what that may end up being? Love bombing. And, 99% of the time I did, and I still would to this day! Why? I smartened up and read some of the books and authors Perel cites. But, whenever I have dated a guy that hit all the romantic notes hard and fast, my first instinct was to bolt. I enjoy a smutty, romance novel just like the next girl. It’s been a personal struggle to navigate relationships, both romantic and personal, when my opinion of a relationship does not match Hallmark’s Valentine’s Day marketing campaign. Mating in Captivity was also incredibly validating. We worry about our resumes and 401k accounts and shave our legs religiously, but many of us don’t bother to think of our sexuality as something that needs an equal, if not more, amount of attention. Our sexuality is an aspect of ourselves to cultivate like any other part. “Everyone should cultivate a secret garden.” It not only took the time to highlight the actual issues with sexuality, especially in a country like the United States, but it also compared perspectives with other parts of the world.

I mean that in the normal sense that most women – and men – find what they like and don’t like, their opinions, and learn about this or that, good ways of negotiating conflict with a sexual or romantic partner. It would have been nice to have this book available while discovering my own sexuality.

To many people, it is the content that counts. Rumor had it that Lewis Carroll was a child molester, and we still adore Alice in Wonderland. “Woman hater” is definitely not the worst I’ve heard or read about a writer. I have yet to chase down my original copy and see if I can ever get it back. It’s never as good as the first time I tell you. I realized that my notes could have been helpful for some future dissertation work on a modern survey of genre-specific literature, so I got myself a second copy and made a ton of notes on that one.

I kept reading the book, made a ton of notes on it, and then gave it to a friend whom I thought could use some of the insight. Never one to take someone else’s opinion as my own that easily. But, when I read some of the online opinions of Perel being a “woman hater,” I admit the modern feminist in me cringed a little. Mating in Captivity really does have some great insights into sexuality and relational psychology. It isn’t just for and about us, and we should not assume that it rightfully falls within our jurisdiction.”

“Our partner’s sexuality does not belong to us.

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